


You like me best when I'm off my rocker

by chailover



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Spies & Secret Agents, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-17
Updated: 2020-02-17
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:01:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22778371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chailover/pseuds/chailover
Summary: Hoshigaki Kisame thought the hardest part of being Uchiha Itachi's Akatsuki partner was...well, being his partner. He was mostly right.
Relationships: Hoshigaki Kisame & Uchiha Itachi
Comments: 2
Kudos: 40





	You like me best when I'm off my rocker

**Author's Note:**

> This is not a spiritual successor to [I've never been perfect (but neither have you)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13030500), but more like a twin brother separated at birth and brought up in a different family...I.e. a similar premise of long-suffering Kisame, because being Itachi's partner is hard, in any reality (and hilarious. Can't forget hilarious).

***

Airports were the most soul-killing instances of real life purgatory known to man, matched only in awfulness by dentists’ offices. They were suffering through the torture known as the ‘layover’ when Kisame realized the upcoming anniversary via a reminder on his calendar. It was pretty telling that he was desperate enough to look at his calendar to avoid death by boredom.

If it had been anyone else but Konan that had sent the invite, he would’ve ignored it without a second’s hesitation. But while most terrorist - well, now, counter-terrorist - organizations were made up of members that defined ‘fuck with at your own peril’, Akatsuki’s second-in-command was in a realm of her own. So when she had sent the ‘staff meeting’ reminder (And not so subtly hinted that there would be a small, work-appropriate celebration and all must attend in the spirit of teamwork), everyone that usually scorned such touchy-feely things collectively decided they weren’t tired of life yet, and fell in line like obedient ducklings instead of the scary psychopaths they mostly were. 

Almost eight years ago, Pain had called the fledgling Akatsuki ver. 2.0 in for a rare, once-a-year meeting for some face time between members. The reason - their newest recruit at the time, one fourteen year old Uchiha Itachi, had to be introduced to the group and assigned a partner. To this day, Kisame wasn’t sure who ended up more traumatized - a group of hardened killers, mercenaries and revolutionaries, or one Uchiha teenager.

Itachi made a contemplative noise from his seat, frowning down slightly at his phone. Kisame would bet good money that the text he was studying was either from his brother or his cousin - or both.

Scratch that, the Akatsuki was definitely more traumatized. Nothing was more traumatizing than an Uchiha, especially a teenage one. And if anyone doubted Kisame’s assertion, he would just let them hang out for an hour with Uchiha Sasuke, and laugh at their pain when they inevitably get punched in the face.

Kisame definitely did something that pissed Nagato off back then...or maybe Obito-as-Madara. Actually, now that he thought of it, most likely Obito, because Uchihas were terrifying and giant pains in the asses even after they aged out of being teenagers. Whatever Kisame did, it awarded him the prize of the Akatsuki partnership lottery - instead of a regular scary psychopath with understandable motivations like money, revenge or bloodlust, he got a tiny terrifying Uchiha teenager instead, driven by radical ideas like world peace and absolute pacifism. Sometimes Kisame really worried about the future of Akatsuki...

And while Itachi was somewhat atypical for an Uchiha, given the pacifism, he still had their myriad of other...well, not faults, really, but usual Uchiha traits. His pacifism meant he was a lot less prone to physical violence, but in no way meant he wasn’t any _good_ at physical violence. The only other member more likely to win a ‘So you’re a pyromaniac’ competition would be Deidara, and the only other member better at cutting up people would be Hidan - and that’s probably debatable. That made for a pretty tense start to their partnership, where Kisame wasn’t sure when the teenager would snap and go for the bajillion knives he had on hand (somewhere), and Itachi probably wasn’t sure when Kisame would snap and live up to his comrade-killer reputation.

Eventually though, they reached a stable equilibrium, and now Kisame can’t imagine being partnered with anyone else.

One can only contemplate the past for so long though, before it stopped serving as a distraction. Itachi wandered off with a murmured comment about getting a drink, and Kisame peered at the clock in despair. Three more hours until their flight out of godforsaken Hidden Sand. At least they have a few weeks off before the next mission.

That hope was dashed when Itachi came back, careful non-expression firmly on his face. Kisame had to force himself to not straighten to attention - he didn’t spend eight years as Itachi’s Akatsuki partner to fail to read physical cues, and Itachi faked expressions as easily as he breathed - to be so purposefully blank was almost as alarming as if he had shown up noticeably upset.

“...anything up?” he asked quietly, still slouched in his seat but now discreetly sweeping the gate area. Their mission had been concluded successfully days ago and they were almost two countries over, but that didn’t have to mean anything.

“No,” Itachi replied, then pulled his tablet out. “...yes. Not mission related though.”

“Then what?” Kisame could see that he was pulling up the booking website. The blankness of Itachi’s face was starting to fade, the expression slowly turning intent. Kisame didn’t like it...that was Itachi’s plotting face, which never ended well. “Whatever it is, no.”

“We’re on standby for two weeks, this won’t take long,” Itachi was changing something...their itinerary. No, _his_ itinerary - only one ticket was being updated.

“We’re still technically on standby, are you even planning to run this by Pain?” Kisame asked, only to get Itachi’s most unimpressed eyebrow twitch. It seemed to question if Kisame was, in fact, an idiot. He rubbed his face, feeling inexplicably exhausted and about twice as old as he actually was. “What the hell am I saying, you never ask for permission.” Or beg for forgiveness, actually. Uchiha Itachi did what he wanted and woe to you if you disagree. “What the hell happened?”

“Kabuto,” Itachi replied, still doing something with the screen. “I saw him on the way back to the gate.”

 _That_ made Kisame straighten in his airport chair. “Yakushi Kabuto?”

“Yes,” Itachi finished whatever he was doing on the tablet and stuffed it back in his bag. Kisame had a sinking feeling - because where there was Kabuto, there was a snake-faced pervert not far behind, and where there’s Orochimaru…he looked over at his partner. Furrowed eyebrows, check. Slight downturn of mouth, check. Thinking face, check.

Where there’s Orochimaru - who was last seen stalking one Uchiha Sasuke after failing his advances toward one Uchiha Itachi - there was one overprotective big brother ready to chop off that slimy tongue if it dared wiggle anywhere near the precious younger Uchiha. 

Kisame tried to be the bigger man...and failed. “I don’t want to say this, but _I told you so_.”

“Shut up.” Itachi looked mildly disgusted as he packed up, “I should’ve stabbed him somewhere more permanent…” He muttered under his breath before addressing Kisame again. “In any case, my new flight will board soon. With any luck, I’ll be back in a week.”

“Great,” Kisame said, resigned. “You know when people can’t get a hold of you, they’re going to start bugging me.” He gave Itachi a significant look. “I’m not lying to your family for you.”

Itachi rolled his eyes. “I’ll be back before they notice,” he answered, completely missing the point that he had a brother that was just as stalkery as Orochimaru and a strangely omniscient cousin - probably as a side effect of working in international intelligence, but anyway. And Kisame had never actually met Uchiha Mikoto before, but if Konan was any general indication of women who were successful in the business, the Uchiha matriarch was probably more terrifying than all her children and her husband, combined.

“What if you aren’t?” Kisame pressed.

Itachi smiled faintly as he stood up with his single bag. It was an expression that Kisame still found slightly terrifying. “Tell them not to worry,” he said reassuringly. “We have a plan.”

 _Famous last words_ , Kisame thought fatalistically.

/End (?)

**Author's Note:**

> And because...this is actually what made me write this whole damn thing...
> 
> OMAKE/Extra:
> 
> “What happened?” Itachi asked, equal parts amused and surprised when he came into the kitchenette in their current safehouse/apartment. Kisame repositioned the bag of frozen peas against his black eye and glared at his partner.
> 
> “Your _brother_ happened.” He growled back. Itachi took out a bottle of the diabetes inducing sweet tea that he liked, humming a bit in thought as he opened it.
> 
> “You let Sasuke punch you in the face? Getting slow in your old age, Kisame.” Itachi frowned as he took a sip. “Wait...how did he know we were here?”
> 
> Kisame gave Itachi an expectant look. “You _sure_ you didn’t tell your cousin anything?”
> 
> His partner looked honestly bewildered. “No. I haven’t even talked to him since we got here.”
> 
> “Goddamn brain twins.” Kisame muttered.


End file.
